Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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