There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
