and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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