it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We left the knife in your bed.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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