Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
