The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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