Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
