If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize