I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
