I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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