omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
