you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
