there's paper in my vomit.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
