Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
