hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize