we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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