So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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