...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
