Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
only you would photoshop your dick
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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