i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
