3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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