Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
