After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
