I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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