Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
