I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
