i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
