Your tits are I can't wait for
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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