It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The best revenge is premature balding
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
