is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
