So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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