I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
