i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
