i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
