Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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