You can't special order awesome
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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