I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
