she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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