Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
