**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
