Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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