Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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