I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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