At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the condom got lost in my hair
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize