That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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