just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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