Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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