so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
