someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
