I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
