if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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