(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
