Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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