Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
