fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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