I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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