Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
