If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
