The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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