if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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