Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
