I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
