fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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