I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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