I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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