from now on my penis is your penis
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
