I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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