bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
