Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
