I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
