How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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